It's no secret that becoming a mother changes you. There are the obvious ways, both physical and emotional. Recently, a seasoned mom, whose kids have already dry aged for 18 years, remarked how once she became a mom, she never really sleep the same again. Which got me wondering: will I ever think the way I used to again? Or rather, no longer think the way I do now?
We all talk about Baby Brain when pregnant, the phenomenon where becoming host to another human renders the brain less effective. Which, of course, morphs into Mommy Brain, because the synapses still don't fire quite the same as before kids. It sucks constantly losing words you need mid-sentence.
But ever since the Mayor was a born, I've silently suffered what can best be described as the disturbing spawn of day dreams and nightmares. Day-mares? That makes it sound more innocuous than the reality playing out in my head.
For the first few months, the thoughts were constant. I thought of every conceivable awful scenario that could happen to my boy. If you've seen it dramatized on Law & Order SVU or Criminal Minds, I imaginied worse, and it actually happening to my child.
Over time, the thoughts became fewer and farther between. They rushed back a bit after Miss Thing was born, but were not quite as intense as they had been initially.
But during bath time earlier this evening, MT contorted herself at a strange angle and--WOOSH! There went my over-active imagination thinking unspeakable thoughts again.
It wasn't like she was tap dancing on the edge of the slippery tub, an obvious ticket to splitting open one's head. She was just positioned in the tub oddly and all I could think was:
OMG what if the worst possible thing you could ever conceivably think of happened right now?!
So I left the room to shake off the heebie jeebies I had just involuntarily evoked and wondered if this is normal? Do all moms have such...dark thoughts, too? Will I ever stop having these disturbing flashes? Like my seasoned mom friend, will I ever get back to thinking only about puppy dogs and ice cream again? I mean, *if* that were my default state of thinking, which of course it's not, but...NEITHER IS THIS!
Of all the changes I thought motherhood would bring, this one never crossed my mind.