Yeah, yeah...
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| Picture found and used from http://wehaveaars.com/mom-whos-pretty-sure-shes-screwing-it-all-up/ |
But seriously. There wasn't one peaceful meal time. If it wasn't Miss Thang (and it mostly was) signing and wailing for "more" after she's already eaten the lion's share, it was the Mayor begging and pleading and also wailing for more of the chocolate turkey his great grammy brought him on Thanksgiving. Not to mention feeding my kids = emotional trigger. As in, I'm afraid to make my kids fat.
The Mayor. He's taken a huge emotional u-turn lately. And is attempting to use emotional blackmail. As in "if you don't give me what I want, I'll cry" or hit you or whatever. We have done everything to nip this in the bud, but I think he sees Miss Thang communicating with us in a way that can be perceived as what he's doing. And then she sees him doing it and it's an endless circle. And maddening.
Even after 90 minutes away from them for "me time" at the gym, which usually buys me a little dose of extra patience, I was still deflated. And finally after the Mayor argued with us over something he didn't hear someone say (but was most definitely said) I lost it. Kissed him goodnight, took Miss Thang to the rocking chair and could not suppress the sobbing before breaking into our regularly scheduled bedtime tunes.
I realize I can't say yes to everything, but maybe I say no too much? I mean, I can't let them have hollow chocolate animals for breakfast every morning, but should I just let them eat the whole damn turkey in one sitting so it's out of our lives for fucking ever?! I mean, these are matter of life and death, right?
THE SUGAR!
THE ENSUING MAYHEM AND MELTDOWNS!
THE EMOTIONAL TRIGGERS!!!
I'M ONLY PROJECTING MY PRECONCEIVED NOTION OF THEIR FUTURE HAPPINESS!
Get a grip lady.
Sometimes I think I'm too lazy to be a parent. But really it's that I'm too lazy to be the parent I want to be, which is really my biggest character flaw. Too lazy to live up to my potential (oh how many times was that word tossed around on report cards and in parent-teacher conferences! Oh how I loathe that concept!) And why am I not more concerned that I am likely passing this on to any number of my children? Such that maybe I might want to, you know, change?! (GASP!)
Well, I'm not going to solve anything prattling on here, at least not in this moment. But I'm glad I was able to post something more than ohmygodwhenisNaBlPoMogoingtoend?!?!
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Oh dear... you had a tough day. Too much to do and not enough time.But good for you for getting to the gym. Great job! Put that down as a win.
ReplyDeleteYou know we all only make it up as we go along... the mothering thing. And the kids always save their worst for the ones who love them the most.
I often say to people that I was allowed the privilege of raising two perfect little people (my kids are adopted...I'm infertile) and now they're both quite big people, it's clear I broke them!
And some days, I just sit down and have a good cry. Not just a cry. A big sooky sob. Like: "I don't want to do this anymore. I didn't sign up for this shit."
Cut yourself some slack. You're doing the toughest job in the universe and you're doing a great job. If you weren't, you wouldn't be worrying. XXX And thank God that Nahblahblah is over... Never again!! ( remind me of that next year, will you please?)
GLADLY, Wendy! Never.Again.
DeleteI think you are doing great! For the record I think I learned some things from you about how to interact with kids and hope I remember them when it is my turn.
ReplyDeleteI hate the living up to potential comments too. Whose idea of potential? I am working on living to my standards not someone else's "you should...." I just want to be me and be joyful and grateful.