Saturday, November 8, 2014

Learning to Love Myself

My mom’s group has recently started the Momnipotent study. This week’s episode started with this:

It reminds me a little of the time when I was single and trying the online dating thing. The site I was using at the time had you engage in compatibility Q&A prior to sharing your picture and personal information. Things were going fine until the question: How important are looks to you?

I couldn't even.

So I didn't. I closed my account, got my money back, and went on my way. Alone again.

The question was double edged for me. First, it could have meant that looks were important to the man asking. Second: And I? I was just average. Perhaps even slightly below average (a Perfect Four), depending on who you ask (me) and what mood they are in (insecure. Always insecure). Third, it could have meant that he was (heaven forbid) of even lower than slightly below average visage. And fourth, that it actually mattered to me. It was a sticky question that hit on all of my triggers. And, if memory serves, I was only able to answer Yes/No with no opportunity to explain. And there was plenty I could explain (clearly).

Did I digress?

So this Momnipotent session starts by asking about our self-worth as women and mothers. And this is definitely an area where I struggle.

Most of my life, I didn't feel lovable. I thought that if I could just find someone (not my family) to love me, hell even just "like" me, then I might be able to believe that I am lovable. That I am worthy of love. And for so.many.years. I went without.

And for just as many years--more, actually--I hated myself. I wanted to be someone (anyone!) else, so long as they were lovable.

Even since I've found the love of my life, the man who loves me back, I've continued to harbor this self-loathing. Because my exterior doesn't meet my definition of beautiful. I hate. I judge. I continue to fail.

And what's more, I have already seen the Mayor expressing that he doesn't feel lovable. And I know he has picked that up from me, whether or not I express it outwardly. These tiny human mirrors can pick up on the tiniest of details!

So it's time that I work harder to fix the broken me. It's time that I learn to love me, the whole me. The me that promoted me to my most coveted job and vocation in life: mom. The me who carried two beautiful, healthy babies with ease. It's time to believe that I am a beautiful and should treat myself as such.

What are ways you celebrate your beauty?


  1. Thank you for sharing. For what it's worth - I think you're awesome. I have since I met you in law school.

  2. I can't say there was a definitive moment when I was able to love myself. Or even like myself. It came over time and truly culminated when I finally realized that what other people think doesn't matter.

    Part of that process was removing from my life the people who would tear me down (intentionally or subconsciously). They are toxic and there was no way I could learn to accept myself as long as I allowed them to undermine and/or challenge any confidence I did build.

    This past year I've gone even further shunning societal standards of beauty by not coloring my hair, not wearing make up (I only ever wore lipstick), and just focusing on taking care of myself and my own emotional contentment. Now when I look in the mirror there's a new balance in how I feel and how I look. I no longer cringe when I see myself and focus on everything I think is wrong. I see me, the real me, and I can feel good about the way I look and who I am. I hope you are able to get there too. You deserve to. We all do.

  3. @The Flirty Girl - It's definitely hard to eliminate the negative voices when they are internal! But as long as we live, we're always a work in progress!