All About Me

I received a note the other night, from an old friend. He and I were a dynamic duo in intramural basketball way, way back in elementary school. Way back friend. He's caught a few of my posts (from the sound of it, probably the more introspective offerings) and wanted to offer a word of support. It was really thoughtful.

It also reminded me that I had ought to flesh out the"About Me" business. So here goes.

I'm a reformed corporate law lackey (although it was the wine industry, which had its perks). Now I stay at home with my two kids, the Mayor - 5 (nickname earned kissing babies and shaking parents' hands on the preschool playground) and Miss Thang - 1.5 (nickname given in the womb for no particular reason, but turns out she is pretty sassy). Their dad is Fella, the heartless bureaucrat that loves old cars, movies, and Dame Judi Dench. He is chivalrous through and through.

Although I'm no gourmet, cooking is a pastime. I almost never make tuna noodle casserole the same way twice (mostly because I don't follow a recipe and never keep track of what I'm doing). Although I'm no Robert Parker, I like wine (it was hard to leave my job!) And not the plonk. Although I won't say no if all you're pouring is Two Buck Chuck. And although I'm no Martha Stewart, I also dabble in working out, volunteering, sewing, and crafting. There's just not enough time in the day!

I'm an Oxford comma gal.

And even though I have my dream job now (Director of Domestic Affairs,) it's still a struggle to be the mom/wife/daughter/sister/friend/person I want to be in my head. But this is what it means to be a Life In Training: each struggle or triumph prepares us for the next just ahead.

This is my Life in Training.

Save It For The Morning After

Law School final exams always happened in the two weeks before we broke for Winter Break. The first day I'd be back at my parents' house would without fail, find me pacing the hall without any studying to do or apocalyptic stress to be had.

I feel like that right now. You know, because this blog and those exams totally hold the same weight.

So here I am, the day after. Is this my NaBloPoMo walk of shame?

Nothing to see here, people. Move along.

This is the end...

So I’m here. I made it this time. The end.

I got to have brunch this morning with a few girl friends from high school. We didn’t really run in the same crowd back then, but our common bond was choir. Last year we hooked up at a choir reunion, had some beers and fun times afterward, and promised to do it again. And yesterday, the stars aligned to actually keep that promise.

I didn’t get out of the house sans drama. And I didn’t return to a fairytale. But it did get me thinking about that trite advice one receives as a young mother: make sure to take time for you!

I think that I don’t take a lot of time for myself, but I’m not sure that’s entirely true. I feel as though I don’t because I don’t get to run off for a spa day or mani/pedi on a whim, mostly for financial reasons than time. And I take time to volunteer, which is just as much for me as it is for the actual greater good. Let’s not forget the gym time which is at worst 4 hours a week with the children being minded and my mind on nothing but myself. Add in the time I waste spend on the internets…well, it’s a wonder how my kids get clean and fed at all.

So why do I still feel like I don’t get any me time? Am I just that selfish? Or is my job so emotionally demanding that I need twice the amount of rebound time than, say, Fella? Am I just a complete asshole?

Maybe I need to seek solace in more activities that replenish rather than deplete; or maybe I just need to spend more time in quiet contemplation. But for now, I’ll take a Bloody Mary, a four-hour brunch with old girlfriends, and lots of laughs on the side.

And I'll see you back around these parts, just not every.single.day. Thanks NaBloPoMo.

Drowning

Right now I feel like I'm drowning. In a sea of failure. Complete maternal breakdown.

Yeah, yeah...

Picture found and used from
http://wehaveaars.com/mom-whos-pretty-sure-shes-screwing-it-all-up/

But seriously. There wasn't one peaceful meal time. If it wasn't Miss Thang (and it mostly was) signing and wailing for "more" after she's already eaten the lion's share, it was the Mayor begging and pleading and also wailing for more of the chocolate turkey his great grammy brought him on Thanksgiving. Not to mention feeding my kids = emotional trigger. As in, I'm afraid to make my kids fat.

The Mayor. He's taken a huge emotional u-turn lately. And is attempting to use emotional blackmail. As in "if you don't give me what I want, I'll cry" or hit you or whatever. We have done everything to nip this in the bud, but I think he sees Miss Thang communicating with us in a way that can be perceived as what he's doing. And then she sees him doing it and it's an endless circle. And maddening.

Even after 90 minutes away from them for "me time" at the gym, which usually buys me a little dose of extra patience, I was still deflated. And finally after the Mayor argued with us over something he didn't hear someone say (but was most definitely said) I lost it. Kissed him goodnight, took Miss Thang to the rocking chair and could not suppress the sobbing before breaking into our regularly scheduled bedtime tunes.

I realize I can't say yes to everything, but maybe I say no too much? I mean, I can't let them have hollow chocolate animals for breakfast every morning, but should I just let them eat the whole damn turkey in one sitting so it's out of our lives for fucking ever?! I mean, these are matter of life and death, right?

THE SUGAR! 

THE ENSUING MAYHEM AND MELTDOWNS! 

THE EMOTIONAL TRIGGERS!!!

I'M ONLY PROJECTING MY PRECONCEIVED NOTION OF THEIR FUTURE HAPPINESS!

Get a grip lady.

Sometimes I think I'm too lazy to be a parent. But really it's that I'm too lazy to be the parent I want to be, which is really my biggest character flaw. Too lazy to live up to my potential (oh how many times was that word tossed around on report cards and in parent-teacher conferences! Oh how I loathe that concept!) And why am I not more concerned that I am likely passing this on to any number of my children? Such that maybe I might want to, you know, change?! (GASP!)

Well, I'm not going to solve anything prattling on here, at least not in this moment. But I'm glad I was able to post something more than ohmygodwhenisNaBlPoMogoingtoend?!?!

Day 28

I can't lie. I cannot wait for NaBloPoMo to be over. I'd say I'd quit now, but I've made it 28 days, so why quit now? Don't get me wrong, it's been great. Daily is just not a pace I can keep up with these days. Sometimes it might happen, and I used to feel bad when I couldn't keep that pace, but it's unrealistic to expect it regularly. And let's face it, not all of the NaBloPoMo prompts are what I consider inspiring and expect a short turnaround. In fact that's why you're stuck reading this drivel.

Thankful Thursday

Today I am, of course, thankful for the bounty with which we have been blessed. Our table was full; full of loved ones, food, memories, and thoughts of the future. 

I was hesitant to host this year; Miss Thang wasn’t quite crawling when we hosted last year and I wasn’t sure I had it in me to chase her, an oft unruly Mayor, and do Thanksgiving. But it’s easier for Fella’s aged grandparents to be on familiar turf, so I agreed to it. I’m thankful that we were able to pull off yet another Thanksgiving dinner in my home.

Although the kids had their moments, (I actually uttered the words “I will cancel Thanksgiving” to the Mayor this morning…a few times…this has really been an actions-have-consequences-lesson-learning week) I was basically able to keep with my timeline and we got through dinner in time to catch the start of the Niners’ game, as depressing as it was (especially after my Bears lost in the morning).

And now that the leftovers are packed away and the dishwasher is humming, I am thankful to already be thinking about doing it again for breakfast on Christmas morning!

Today is technically the last of my Thankful Thursdays, although it may pop up throughout the year!

Relapse of a News Junkie

Today, I did something against my better judgment. And (as isn't it always the case?) I was none the better for it.

Or am I?

The jury, as they say, is still out.

So what did I do? I turned on the news. And I saw finger-pointing. And bullying. And opportunism. Perhaps a little grandstanding. And I have been reeling ever since. I knew better, but I never listen.

I used to need to be informed on politics and all events current (I was a bit of a news junkie). I'm not sure when that changed. It started to aggravate me instead of inspire or interest me. Maybe I just got wise to all the sensationalism and baiting. Maybe I got tired of hearing my dad regurgitate what the different pundits said on any given day about any give hot topic. And I'm pretty sure that it was making me more cynical, to boot.

This just in: it's really hard being a cynic AND a mom.

Sure, life's not all puppy dogs and ice cream, but my kids don't need to know that just yet.

So what did I do before sitting down to write tonight? Yup. More of the same. But in particular, I looked at a news piece that a friend-of-a-friend posted in a Facebook comment. It was eye opening. It didn't take the edge off, not in the least. But it put some things in perspective.

Now I find myself trying to claw my way out of the rabbit hole, so I can bury my head in the sand again and regain that false sense of security that is blissful ignorance.

Edit: as I hopped over to cross-post at BlogHer, I realized I fell down two different hot topic rabbit holes already this week. Definitely time to detox!