Well It's All Right, Even If You're Old and Gray

Does anyone really enjoy growing old? Of course I want to say I’m growing old gracefully, but am I really?

Instead of going gray, I took note from my grandma and started going blonder (and blonder!) at the first strand of silver. Lately, however, I’ve been wondering what my hair would look like au natural. What if silver makes for awesome highlights? I haven’t talked to my stylist about it, but that’s probably because I haven’t seen her for awhile...but that’s another story entirely.

I suppose that anti-aging isn’t the sole purpose that I use all of the creams and poultices that I do on my façade. But I have consciously switched moisturizers because of “fine lines” (moisture related, of course). And on occasion I have thought about how far ahead of the game I am compared to my mom. I mean, I think she was still sunbathing slathered in baby oil when I was Miss Thang’s age. Whereas…what’s sunbathing?

Not long ago, I was at the gym and noticed some older ladies (probably in their 60s). We were all going about our regularly scheduled workouts until it hit me: these ladies have the most uncomfortable looking bosoms. And omigod they’re me in mumblegrumble years! I decided then and there that I am having serious back and shoulder pain, such that I am in need of a breast reduction.  

And I must admit, I’ve already bought Glucosamine/Chondroitin. You know, the stuff that’s supposed to relieve joint pain and rebuild cartilage for old people? I was not kind to my body as a kid (I was a fat athlete, by most grown-ups' standards) and my joints have, at times, rebelled against me. But all the supplements in the world can’t make me remember to take them with regularity. (Is that stupid youth or early onset dementia?!)

Inside I really still feel like I’m still 24 (unless I’ve been out drinking like I’m 24 again). Although let’s face it: with age comes wisdom and I’m so grateful that I can say “If I only knew then what I know now….”

So, do I enjoy growing old or do I fight against it? Yes. And no. I’m not one to take drastic measures to turn back the hands of time, but I would like to make the most of the time that I do have in this life. And if that means smaller boobs here, a hip replacement there, then fight it is. 

And my grandma? After my mom's hair grew back in post-chemo and ditched the dye bottle, Gramma decided to let her hair go natural, too. It's perfectly white.

Thankful Thursday

I almost forgot that it's Thursday. It doesn't feel like a Thursday, but a Friday. The Mayor's goes to school Monday through Thursday, so nearly every Thursday feels like a Friday. This one especially because Fella is taking the day off tomorrow. And we watched a movie. Until 11 o'clock!!!

So tonight I am thankful for cheesy Hallmark Channel movies, even if they make me stay up late. I'm even thankful for all the commercials, during which I could finish writing my previous post.

The Other Guys

Shiny hair.

Perfect skin.

Sparkly smile.

Woodland creatures helping with the chores.

There’s no telling me otherwise, these are the things that other bloggers have that I wish I had.

Aside from the mythical qualities, there are a lot of skills that I think (read: project on to) other bloggers have that I wish I had, among them: Organization. Focus. Expertise.

Organization.

You should see my house. But you won’t because I will only have you over when I can tame the clutter beast that dwells within. The window of opportunity is narrow: about every 6 months for my kids’ birthday parties. If you’re invited over any other time, consider yourself family.

Now, I realize that neatness (or lack thereof) doesn’t have any correlation to my success plunking at the keyboard and spewing out my inane thoughts to the world (and perhaps just the opposite). But then there is The Guilt.

Fella is accustomed to a fairly orderly life. His mom is a phenomenally organized person and can find the perfect place for everything to live. She has at times left me awestruck at the simple solutions she finds that are right in effing front of us the whole time! So, neat and tidy is what Fella knows and likes. And I feel guilty taking time away from housely duties to write my life away, so far for naught.

So if I’m going to make this into anything more than “for naught,” I have to get my shit together and really organize a way to do that! I was never ever one for outlining a paper before I sat to write it. Such things just came organically, if you will. So I feel like I have a disorganized mind, too, when it comes down to the strategic aspect of this blogging thing.

Focus.

I can’t help it. It’s how my brain works. I have four tabs open on my internet browser and two documents. And I will tab through them all on a whim (or at a lull). It’s just the way it is. I’ll work for 10 minutes, then eff around for 15.

I’m not sure if it actually drove my last boss crazy (at least once he figured out that it’s just my modus operandi) or if it just irked this one particular woman in HR who one day told on me for being on the internet so my boss had to make an example of me. Seriously. It happened. We’re grown-ups.

Ooh! Shiny!

It’s not like I have an attention disorder, I just have an active mind. And along with that, sometimes there are a lot of incoherent things rambling around upstairs. And I’m wordy. When I still wrote my childhood friend letters, which was well into high school, I sent pages upon pages detailing the goings on in my life. Absolute novellas.

So between worrying about what to write and agonizing over how much to write, somewhere in between I lose my focus.

Expertise.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Jill-of-all-trades, master of none. This is also apparently a personality trait (I took a test that told me so). I learn just enough about a thing to be conversant, but I don’t have the interest to really delve into the nooks and crannies. It’s a wonder I made it through law school at all.

So it’s hard for me to sit down and write about things with authority when all I feel I do is dabble. Even if that is just the way I am.

ALL that said, this is what my blog is all about. A life of learning and growing. Acknowledging my weaknesses among my strengths and figuring out how to overcome them. This is my Life In Training.

Another Brick in the Wall

For nearly two and a half years, I built a wall around my writing. I blamed it on not having any time. I made the excuse that I didn’t have anything interesting to write about. I worried that, as Fella might say, this is all a load of narcissistic blather.*

Is this all just narcissistic blather?!

Like right now, I want to crumple up this page and go get drunk because what’s it all for?!?! But since I can’t do either…

I suppose I have to remind myself that this is what writers do. They share of themselves. And I also have to remind myself that there are people out there (hello!) that care about what I have to say about things. (Right?!) And I have creative things to share with the world!

So it’s not going to be easy, but I need to get out of my own way and just let this happen.

*He does not say that, at least not exactly. But probably something along those lines. Or maybe he has, just not about me. In fact, he’s been staying up late with me as I continue on this NaBloPoMo journey. And by “staying up late” I mean he falls asleep on top of the covers until we both get under the covers together. Anyway, I feel supported. Even if it’s in my head.

Service

Today of all days, our thoughts are with those men and women who have served in the U.S. Armed Forces. Their sacrifices have made my life as I know it possible. And they are why it’s important to me to spend my time serving my community in the ways that I am able.

I am a volunteer for the Junior League of Oakland East Bay Inc. (JLOEB). I chose to join this group of volunteers to build friendships with ladies who also feel that community service is an integral part of our society. JLOEB also offers diverse opportunities for service. One week I might be sorting food at a local food bank and the next helping teenaged girls shop for a prom dress. And if I can learn something new along the way (which I always do!) even better.

I may not make as immense of a sacrifice as our military women and men, but if my modest contribution has the slightest chance at making this a better place for us all, I’ll take it. And today, I dedicate my service to you, Veterans. With my utmost gratitude.

While I'm spilling my guts over here, you may as well know: I’m on Day 22 of a Whole30 Challenge. A long time ago (last month), in a galaxy far, far away (the gym) some ladies from the Circuit class were commenting on how they weren’t losing weight. Neither was I, and I knew why. My arch nemesis: food.

Loooong story short, I was overdue to clean up my diet post-partum and post-nursing. So I proposed to the ladies that we think about a Whole30 Challenge together. We hemmed and hawed for a couple of weeks, but three of us ultimately decided to go for it.

The question I keep getting most from the ladies that opted not to join us is: do you miss eating anything?

Um, yeah. Try all the stuff.

Except all that stuff? It was making me feel terrible. And now I feel better. The system works!

Well, it being autumn and everywhere you turn there’s something pumpkin in your face, it’s not surprising that the biggest things I have been missing are all those pumpkin things. In my face. So one morning I decided to improvise:

Pumpkin Spice Scramble

3 Tbsp pumpkin puree
3 Tbsp unsweetened apple sauce
2 Tbsp almond butter
½ tsp pumpkin pie spice
3 large eggs
Handful of raisins and sliced almonds
Ghee or coconut oil, for the pan

Heat the oil in a skillet. Combine remaining ingredients in a bowl. Cook like you would scrambled eggs, adding the raisins just before the mixture is cooked through.

Sprinkle sliced almonds on the top. Makes about 2 servings and doubles well.

I’ve now made this for everyone (it’s a good substitute for the oatmeal we are accustomed to having on Sundays before church); the Mayor loves it, Miss Thang doesn’t complain about much (unless you’re holding out on her), and Fella is supportively willing to eat it (I suggested that he might like it better with a little maple syrup). 

It’s no PSL, bit it hits the pumpkin craving spot when your options are limited!

A Worthy Goal

I have never fancied myself a competitive person. Sure, I played some competitive sports and I certainly didn't like losing. But when things got really blood thirsty, I checked out. Even in law school I didn't hardly entertain the thought of competing with my classmates, except for that one time I found out a got a better grade in Contracts than one of the smartest guys in my class. But who wouldn't be stoked at that kind of validation?

So I'm not quite sure why I struggle to be truly happy for people in their successes. Instead I find myself being resentful. Mostly because I don't understand how I haven't found my own success. Sure, I've achieved some pretty difficult feats like, you know, finding a husband. And graduating from that law school thing. Keeping a couple of tiny humans alive. So what more am I looking for?

I guess I'm still looking for that something that I'm really kick-ass, like expert good at, although I mostly think of myself as a Jill-of-all-trades. Or that BIG idea that's going to make all of our financial worries a thing of the past!

So for now, I'll keep looking. But while I'm at it, I'll get over myself. Because I really do hope we all make it!