Something Much Heavier (an Op Ed)

Yesterday morning, an online petition started circulating among some of the women in my social network. The petition seeks an apology from the NY Times for this article that, in the mind of the petition organizer, inappropriate spin.

The NY Times reports the news. The journalist’s job, nay duty, is to retell the facts that make up that news. Certainly there is a call to find a compelling angle on a news story, but that doesn’t mean add a “spin.” Journalists are not supposed to proselytize for or against any particular viewpoint. They are supposed to be objective observers. And in my opinion, this particular journalist did just that.

There is no question that rape is tragic. No person deserves to be victimized in any way, the most horrific way being sexually. There is no disputing that rape is life altering for the victim. And, in some form, it irreparably changes the lives of the accused, despite guilt or innocence.

The case has rocked this East Texas community to its core and left many residents in the working-class neighborhood where the attack took place with unanswered questions.

I think that all too often we forget that bystanders are also affected by crime. We are mystified, left to wonder, “how could someone do that?” or, “what’s wrong with people?” and, the thought resonating in my mind lately, “how did we get to the point in this society that people are capable of ____?” In this instance the gang rape of an 11 year old girl.

I think we need to consider that sentiment when reading the NYT article about this small Texas town, rather than presume that the author is further victimizing the victim by his report. There was no report that people had actually said she had it coming, although admittedly the sentiment could be readily inferred by the account of the victim’s appearance. But I don’t believe that the reader should automatically make that inference.

How could their young men have been drawn into such an act?

As a mother to a boy, I would wonder the same thing. How did I fail my son in such a basic way that he thought it would be OK to participate in this type of activity, this horrendous crime, this depraved act? How could he even be associated with those who were implicated?

There have been 18 boys and men charged in this case. How did 18 sons of this small town allegedly participate in this atrocity? Was it nature or nurture that failed them and, in turn, their young victim? Or, is the peer pressure to follow the herd just that strong nowadays?

I have no illusions; there is undoubtedly people in that town that might be of the opinion that the girl had put herself in a compromising position by running with a much older crowd, predominately male. Was it imprudent? Sure. But that in no way condones or sanctions the actions of those boys and men. This should have never happened.

“I really wish that this could end in a better light.”

So the victim is now left to heal, while the accused are left to contemplate their wantonness and agonize over their fates. And the community is left to reconcile this atrocity that occurred right within their midst. And they probably will never make any sense of it; there is no bright side.

We should be up in arms over this. Not because some journalist made an astute account of the irreconcilable situation in a small town in East Texas, but because we are failing our boys and our girls. Failing to teach them to respect themselves and respect each other, failing to teach them basic common decency. That is something worth fighting for.

Speaking Of…

As I struggled to fall asleep last night, my thoughts continued to turn to my dreams (not those abstract aspirations, but that shit the brain comes up with when you sleep). In general, the characters we meet in our dreams. And more specifically the celebrities!

I can’t recall having too many celebridreams, but here they are (in no particular order) to the best of my recollection:

1. Joel McHale. He invaded my dreams just a few weeks ago. Fella and I started catching Community while the networks were on the holiday break (or whatever) and showing repeats of the shows we world normally watch instead. Which also got us, or rather me, since Fella is a notorious couch narcolept, into The Soup on Friday nights as well. (Actually, I started trying to catch the repeats on Saturday morning while I was nursing 4.0 before he became to distractible to nurse in front of the tele).

Boobs! I digress.

Anyway, in my dream, JMcH was all smoldery like his character on Community can be and I was quite smitten. Not really a departure from real life, I’m pretty smitten with him. It’s no secret I like the mens who can make me laugh.

2. Pavement. They’re a band, folks. (Were a band?) Are a band! According to Wikipedia, they are once again a band. A touring band. Maybe.

Where was I?

So I had this dream that I was at Shoreline Amphitheater in Mountain View. And I was sitting in the middle section of the seat-area. Strange, because in real life, I have never, ever sat in the seats; I’m a lawn section kinda girl.

But then I realize I’m not just in the seats, I’m in the area where the sound & light boards are. And it turns out I’M WITH THE FUCKING BAND. Like, the singer is my boyfriend or something. And during the show he pulls me onstage and I perform with them. And it was awesome.

As much as the following admission may strip me of my newly acquired indie rock rep for not only knowing who Pavement is (was?), but dreaming about them to boot, I only own one of their albums (as long as it wasn’t stolen somewhere along the way). And I’ve never seen them live. And I probably wouldn’t be able to pick out any of the band members from a lineup to save my life.

But it was still a pretty sweet dream. I mean, it’s no secret I like the mens who play the music. It’s also no secret that when I was youmger I wanted to be a performer, especially one who sang. Two birds, one dream.

3. John Goodman. This might rank as the second most bizarre dream I have ever had in my life. I wish I had some sort of real-life context for it, like I was watching a lot of Roseanne reruns at the time or something, but there’s absolutely nothing.

So in my dream, John Goodman was the dad of some faceless, nameless friend of mine. And somehow he and I became…involved. Yes, that kind of involved. I had a sexy dream about John Goodman. And, while chubby myself, I am totally not a chubby-chaser (Fella is string bean-ish, as was Stark from my previous post).

And that’s all I have to say about that.

4. God. Now this is the number one most bizarre dream I, in all my 33 years, have ever had.

I dreamed that I died. And I went to heaven and all that. It was nice. Comfortable. Like my living room. And I had friends there. But ultimately I was sad--I missed my family.

So God said unto me: “I guess you weren’t ready for this after all,” and sent me back to life on earth.

And ever since I have wondered: was it just a dream? Or did I actually die in my sleep and, well, you know the rest?

My rather religious mom chose the just-a-dream theory. Probably more because she’s my mom and couldn’t deal with the thought that her daughter had died in her sleep. Even if God spoke to her. And in heaven of all places!

So those are my celebridreams. Which celebrities invade your dreams?

Strange Dream

Last night I had a pretty bizarre dream. I was with a guy I dated* in college, in his present day kitchen. We were bantering and flirting while he made breakfast. Then in walks this hot, fit blonde chick with the haircut I’ll be getting soon. I’m like, who is this broad?

So I assert my dominance and speak first. “Hi, I’m Michelle.”

“Oh, hi! I’m Michelle; Stark** is my boyfriend,” she explains.

What?

“Oh, he…didn’t…mention. Well, my boyfrien--I mean, husband, Fella, is just getting ready in the bedroom.”

What??? Were we vacationing with him, er, them or something?!

That's pretty much it. It wasn’t a very involved or convoluted dream or anything (except perhaps the thinner, hotter version of me with the same name) but it was vivid and just strange. I hope I wasn’t talking in my sleep during the banter/flirt portion of the dream. That would be interesting to explain to Fella:

“Uh…well, uh…I was dreaming that I was flirting with this guy I used to make out with in college. In his kitchen.”

“You used to make out with this guy in his kitchen? That explains some things.”

“No! We were flirting in his kitchen. While he was making me breakfast."

Pause.

“But you were there, too. So was his thinner, hotter version-of-me-with-shorter-hair girlfriend.”

Interpret that!

*I use the term “dated” loosely. He and I never actually went on a bona fide date. But he was the first boy I made out with at college. And over the 3+ years before I dropped out, we had an on-again, off-again “relationship” where we hung out a little and made out a lot. We kept in touch after I moved home and last e-mailed each other as recently as 2004. Wow, that was almost 7 years ago--not recent at all! I think about adding him as a friend on FB, but the insecure 18 year old me gets in the way every time.

**Names have been changed to protect the innocent and not-so-innocent alike.

The 28 Day Challenge: Days 3 & 4

I made it through another day. Two, actually.

As I thought about what to write on this, another survival day, I realized I've been talking about how I'm doing, but not necessarily how I'm feeling. After all, for me this is all one big exercise in feeling better.

So how am I feeling having eliminated dairy, wheat, gluten, added sugar, eggs, caffeine processed foods, peanut products, fruit juices, soy (including soy sauce), corn, farm-raised fish and shellfish, and fish that are high in mercury?

Well...not as great as I would have hoped, I guess.

I was hoping that my bodily aches & pains would magically disappear because somehow one of foods to avoid was a trigger.

Now, in reality I've never had a sensitivity to any foods. And it would be great if the solution were that easy. But the truth is, there are probably a lot of factors to why my 30-something body feels like it's in its 50s.

I was hoping that by giving up dairy my sinus problems would miraculously be solved.

Unfortunately, I'm still waking up with the same...sinus problems as three days ago.

I was hoping that by eating all the "tree-hugger" health-food store foods I'd have this golden aura, hovering just above the ground and instead of walking, I'd float carelessly through each day.

OK, so maybe that's an exaggeration. But for real--I thought that once I got over the initial couple of days, I'd quickly feel better on the inside and it would, of course, show on the outside.

Now I realize this is only Day Three and "The Glow" doesn't really set in until about Day 12 or so. But so far, I'm just not feeling the benefits.

What I am definitely feeling is irritated. Mostly that I can't have chocolate. I still want chocolate. Pretty bad. Not as bad as Day Two. But still.

And dessert. I'm irritated that I can't have dessert as I'm used to having. Which often includes chocolate (Double Whammy). And that Fella can and does freely have dessert, well, it doesn't help. Nor does it help that he throws it in my face by saying I essentially ritualize dessert.

It's DESSERT! And it's SACRED!!!

In other news, I'm also feeling grateful. Grateful that I've been introduced to some new foods that I probably wouldn't have otherwise tried without this challenge. After all, I love food. Which brings us full circle, I'd say.

So I'll keep plodding along. My next personal challenge: figure out how to make on-plan pancakes this weekend!

The 28-Day Challenge: Day Two

I’m still not as organized as I would like to be for this thing. But I managed to make my lunch for the week this morning. And I wasn’t even all that late to work this morning. I may look a little haggard, but I’ll blame that on the caffeine-sugar-and-whatever-else DTs.

I’ve been tired and feel almost like I’m on the verge of getting sick.

There have been a few things--habits--that I’ve noticed in these two short days. I pick at food when I shouldn’t. Like when I get 4.0’s breakfast ready in the morning, I totally lick the spoon I use to dish out his yogurt. Or I take my own bite of cottage cheese after dishing his portion out for lunch.

Though this is not a new discovery by any means, but I noticed after lunch I wanted a piece of chocolate. Baaad. I am totally, utterly conditioned to want that at that time. And the urge did not go away. And it got worse as people came throughout the day to raid the candy basket that sits at my co-worker’s desk over the cube from me.

And tart (read: under ripe) mango does not make a suitable substitute.

But somehow I managed to make it through the day without caving to the peppermint bark someone brought in, or to a cup of coffee. (I miss your face, Coffee!)

And I know what I’m making for dinner!

I actually hope we’ll keep up this early-to-bed routine. I need more sleep. For tomorrow is another [Day Three].

The 28-Day Challenge: Day One

**Edit** Additional info on The Challenge

I started the day hungry. Thinking back, I probably should have had some knock-down, drag-out dessert to close out Sunday night. Instead, we grazed on cookies we had sitting around. Nothing against cookies, but in the grand scheme they would not be the dessert course of my last supper.

It was also very disappointing to not have enough guidance for the plan. I stood in my kitchen without a clue what to have for breakfast. I didn’t have all of the ingredients to make any of the three smoothie recipes that the magazine spotlights for Week One. So I improvised and made a smoothie with only approved foods that I did have on hand.

Then we went to Whole Foods to round out my already at capacity crisper drawers. And as we approached nap time (for 4.0) I still didn’t have everything I was somehow convinced I needed. And despite the fact that I bought rice cakes for the first time since probably high school. (Enough really isn’t enough!)

The entire day I thought about quitting. I looked at my kitchen and felt overwhelmed. It was a disaster. I thought about my meal plan for the week. What meal plan? Also a disaster. I thought about how much money we’re dropping for just one week! DISASTER! (This last point being a driving factor to forge ahead, however). A 3 p.m. caffeine-sugar-and-whatever-else withdrawal headache? Diz.Ass.Tur.

The entire day was pretty much one big improvisation.

At least I knew what I was making for dinner--the recipe of the day that I had managed to track down all of the ingredients for by sundown. And it was good! I mean, really good! No seriously.

But we kept the tele turned off and chatted to the soundtrack of classical radio. (I know--such sophisticates! The only things missing from the picture perfection were a log on the fire and glasses of wine--which of course are strictly prohibited from the challenge at this point).

We talked Challenge. We talked weight loss. We talked motivating factors. Then we talked about taking down the Christmas ornaments (which we proceeded to do).

Then it judgment day was upon me: dessert time.

I pretty much avoided Fella as he ate his ice cream-egg nog milkshake concoction (rather expediently, I must hand to him) and had a cup of tea while I sent an angst-ridden Tweet about it from the bedroom.

Then we went to bed. At 9:30. We usually don’t get around to the sleep thing until closer to 11. Fella couldn’t fall asleep and wanted to talk more. I was exhausted from my disaster-at-all-turns day and my body was aching (quite literally) for sleep.

Oddly enough, we agreed that even though we slept the whole night, neither of us felt particularly rested this morning.

Day Two.

Well, Hello 2011!

We bid a fond farewell to 2010 last night with a dungeness crab dinner and a bottle of bubbles (that was given to us by our neighbor right after we were married...two years ago). And we toasted the 2011 with a dessert cocktail instead - a nog with a little nip!

Last year, we decided that 2010 was our year to let go. Mostly of BS emotional psycho-babble baggage holding us back. So as we tucked ourselves into bed last night, we agreed that we did alright. Maybe not perfect, but good enough.

While we will continue to let go in 2011, this time of more tangible things (spare tire around my mid-section, I'm talking to you!) this year will be more about doing. Doing things to keep up with 4.0. Doing things that make (and keep) us happy and fulfilled. Doing more with our friends.

So instead of perpetuating the wild goose chase after those things, I'm pledging to let go of our excuses so that in 2011 we Take Action.